I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize