Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
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There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
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Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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