peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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