Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
