My liver just broke up with me...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
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Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
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Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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