he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
