But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
