i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
They are going to name an STD after you.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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