weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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