You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
