billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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