I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
