no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
