omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
