If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
