I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Boobs speak an international language.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
