After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
