I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I could make wine with my vomit
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
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She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
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scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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