Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
