What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
