I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
