It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
