i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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