Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
