she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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