I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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