i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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