i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
