I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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