Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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