Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
