he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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