While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
