captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
