So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
