so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You're breaking my sexual little heart
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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