At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
