I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
