had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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