Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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