I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
