Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
