after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize