What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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