turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
