i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
