I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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