My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
