You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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