saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
