i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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