i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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