I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
