Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
