mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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