I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
