my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
