Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
